Breathing my Mind into Your Face

“It’s 2:45 in the morning, and I’m putting myself on warning.” – Elliott Smith.

I can’t stop thinking about the disagreement / difficult conversation my wife and I had yesterday between 8:30-9pm. She feels like she’s not getting the support she needs and she is having a tough time dealing with the fact that we can’t go to all the upcoming Halloween and Holiday parties together because there’s lots of drinking involved. I used to go to these parties and be getting drunk, stoned, or white knuckling sobriety. They make me very uncomfortable and I just don’t feel ready to go to a events like that. She wanted me to go to rehab and even set it up for me. Because the last thing she wants is to see me harm myself or others because of my addiction. I think she wants a sober me but not a recovery me. Sober me in her mind can do all the shit we’ve always done. Whereas, recovery me needs to put his recovery first. She’s holding this whole “stay away from the presence of alcohol and do 90 meetings in 90 days” thing over my head like it’s a deadline. It’s giving me anxiety. I understand the last couple of weeks have been all about me and how to fix me. And I want her to feel supported but I also tried to communicate that we are going to need to compromise and work on figuring it out one day at a time. I get that I’m in the rehab bubble right now with a bunch of people that want to help us find a new way to live our lives in order to manage our disease in a way that lets us be a balanced, best version of ourselves. However, i’m really serious about this recovery because i don’t want to risk dying, getting arrested, hurting my family, losing my job and going broke. I’ve already previously lost a job, gone broke, gotten arrested, and hurt my family. She knows this and knew this prior to marrying me. She paid off 11K in drug and alcohol fueled debt for me because she couldn’t have a serious boyfriend in debt. She knw about my 2 MIP’s and DUI from my college years. We lived together when I lost a job. She knew all this prior to us getting married. Before arriving at rehab i was on the precipice of losing it all again. She said I knew she was an extrovert that loved to socialize when i met her. I was as well but only because of the booze. I hope we can socialize in some new ways that don’t revolve around alcohol. Shit, let’s go to an apple orchard, do a hike, canoe trip, something where there’s not a shit ton of booze around. I am loving all i’m learning about recovery and feel like my best self ever. She wants to ensure nobody knows about my addiction because it’s embarrassing to her. She’s an only child used to getting what she wants. I hope we can make this work, but I’m not willing to go back to the life that landed me here. I I understand the need to burn bridges, but this one needs to be fireproof.

I know she wants me to drink socially and wishes i wasn’t an addict. She’s told me she never would have married me if she knew i was an addict. Sounds like denial for the sake of our love, which is great, and can be great with me in recovery. I’ve tried to stop drinking on my own multiple times and it’s never worked. Alcohol still dominated my thoughts. I want recovery, it will be my top priority.