Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I really hate doing this at 12:45 AM. I should be sleeping soundly in that cloud of a bed upstairs. I took my prescribed trazedone and adderax at bedtime, yet here i sit in the office with a mind on overdrive. That first step is on my mind. After introducing myself to the AA Zoom squad yesterday, I’m sending an SOS. I mentioned to the crew that I didn’t want to refill my adderall prescription because the doctor at rehab told me not to take it for my ADHD for the time being in order to give this Strateeva stuff a shot. I then took an adderall before starting my 2nd workday back. I took one of the 10 mg pills of the four pills I have in my remaining prescription. I justified it to myself with the internal dialogue, “Well, I never abused adderall before (Unless I wanted to use it to stay up and drink longer at parties. Then I’d purposely skip my mid-day 10mg second dose until around five or six PM in order to maintain peak social performance at that nights social event), I didn’t sleep for shit last night when I skipped the trazedone, and I didn’t perform up to my work standards on my first day back Tuesday.

So I took one 10 mg pill in order to ensure strong work performance. And it worked! I got a lot done and feel like I did much better than I did Tuesday. But, I lied to the AA group, I lied to my mom, and I lied to my wife. I’m afraid to tell my wife that I intend to finish off my remaining prescription in the next two days in order to stay focused at work. Oh yeah, I also lied to the doctor at rehab because I told him I’d give Strateeva at least two weeks to kick in prior to re-considering adderall. It’s only been one week. I feel like Barry Bonds after hitting 73 homers in 2001. The words “rigorous honesty” replay in my mind like a skipping cd. I have to share this with the happy squares group despite my shame. I’ll log on to the call on my way to my 8am client coffee appointment in Troy. I’m still alcohol free since October 5th, but may need to reset the sobriety clock to zero. I plan to take the remaining adderall pills during my work hours on Thursday and Friday. Damnit! I’m tired. I also have to tell my wife, despite her certain disappointment. Guess I’m still working on the powerless feature of that first step, despite the increased life management skills adderall gives me.

Just breathe slow and go back to bed. We all fuck up.