Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Damnit, here I am again in the middle of the night. I’ve obviously got a bad case of the stinky thinky’s since I spent the last fifteen minutes convincing myself I was superman and four and a half hours of sleep a night would suffice for me for the rest of my life. Especially since I’m taking my last two Adderall today to help me get back on pace at work once and for all. Based on this, Mike, I’d like you to reset my sobriety date to 10/22 on the group spreadsheet…eventually, considering tomorrow hasn’t happened. I won’t do another check-in with the doctor in order to re-fill the prescription as that would require an extreme amount of truth withholding.

I also decided not to begin the IOP program I was due to start yesterday. I did login to Zoom with the intention of being a participant. However, as roll call and intros were being made around the room, I noticed that most of the people in there were younger than me, less than serious looking, and getting help for opioids. So I did a quick internal pros /cons analysis, dropped off the Zoom, and texted the owner that I’d be refraining from signing the contract. If you need to use my brain after me, do not go in there! My thinking smells too bad.

On the plus side, I already love this group and I was able to shut down the thought of going from 50mg of trazadone to 100mg of trazadone with the thought that it would double my sleep. I also had a nice conversation with a friend from rehab where I kept it real about the Adderall thing. He then told me he’d been sleeping on the couch since leaving rehab due to arguments with his wife. He got a prescription for Valium from couch caused neck kinks that he was enjoying. He wasn’t worried about it since it wasn’t his standard drug of choice like weed and alcohol, it was prescribed by the Doctor, and he wasn’t abusing the recommended dosage. Smelly thinkers abound! Way more cunning and baffling than me, I’ve seen my SAT scores.

My wife gets home around 8 this evening. My plan is to tell her about the Adderall and my status as an IOP dropout. Hopefully she’s not too hung over from last night’s end of conference drunk fest. Going forward, I’ll definitely be attending this meeting on Wednesday and Friday since my wife works from home those days and has more time to help get the kids ready for the bus stop. Mom’s leaving tomorrow and the new family dynamic officially begins. I’ll plan to hit a Saturday morning 10am in-person meeting and a Tuesday evening in-person. Can some of you chat me the typical Sunday meeting you attend? Would be good to see some familiar faces? Or maybe I’ll check out a Sunday meeting in Ann Arbor with my peer recovery coach. That leaves me needing to plan Monday’s and Thursday’s. I’ll figure it out this weekend. Okay, Big Book then some more sleep.