Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Weird a day can be great for almost all of it then turn sour toward the end. I woke up at 4:30 because H was in our bed sleeping sideways. As much as I love his snuggles, that shit was annoying. So I knocked out a couple hours of job work then decided to dig in to some recovery work by going to the same 7am zoom meeting I’ve been going to. It’s a good crew of people that seems to be genuinely happy and are willing to help others embrace their better nature. Then I dropped mom off at the airport, she mentioned a Bread song that always made her think about dad and also always made her cry. Then I went to do my first SMART Recovery meeting. It was okay but I think I’ll stick with AA as my primary. They give you advice while you’re sharing which is helpful. However, I thought this group was too full of themselves in a way, or overly intellectual, which generally creates a cynical and superior attitude that I don’t enjoy. It was great to see three other folks from rehab at the meeting.

Then we went to Mimi and Papa’s and helped rake leaves, pull in the paddleboat, and lift the raft up on the bigger dock. I was happy to help. I had to keep telling myself that I’ll never rake every leaf and that’s okay. I know it would’ve been drudgery if I was still drinking and would’ve made some excuse to not go. This time around, I suggested we do it. They’re old, they need our help, let’s give it. I loved having my mom here. When she was here last the week of 9/18, I didn’t drink the weekend or week leading up to the Sonoma trip. However, I found myself more easily annoyed by the same story about her pack rat walking group member than I was this time around. The last time she was here I was slipping into my office or outside to smoke some reefer every night and I didn’t want to hear about how this lady I don’t know can’t get her car in the garage for the 100th time. This time we bonded more emotionally. I told her I wasn’t just thankful for all the help this past week, I was really enjoying her company. Then when she’d start in on the hoarder story, I’d just tell her I was aware and let’s move on.

I listened to that Bread song (Everything I own) and I cried, thinking about my mom crying as she listened to it and thought of losing my dad. Even though she still bitches about him as his ashes sit in his office, she loved the guy and I did too.

We got home a smidge after 8:30. Wife was tired. The kids were still shooting video’s of themselves on mommy’s phone after 9pm. They were funny. I love those dudes. I went in to say goodnight to H and was looking to show him his new turkey shirt. I couldn’t find it and Christina was getting annoyed that my presence was distracting from the bedtime ritual. So I gave him a kiss and got out of there. James has been a reading machine lately. He’s read three of those wimpy kid books in the last week! I came down to the office to check email and do some journaling.

I really wanted to see Luke at the 10am meeting this morning. He’s a fellow rehab grad that said he was going to kill himself on the group chat. I spoke with him on the phone for a while yesterday and distracted him for a while. My AA friend said that I shouldn’t make too much of an effort when I’m still in a fragile state of my own recovery. But I can’t do nothing when the dude is threatening to end his life. This evening I got a call from Evan, one of the other dudes in the group and he told me Luke had called him and said he had bought a rope and had a plan to hang himself. So Evan called 911 because Luke gave Evan his address. He was clearly fucked up when talking to me and Evan. He’s reaching out to people, which shows he wants help. But we barely know this dude and aren’t trained lifesavers. Hopefully the cops can get him into a psych ward or something.