Breathing my Mind into Your Face

The day is on its way. My mind is buzzing with what to do now and what to do later. Need to make the right choices. I woke up, did a meditation where I tried to separate between the audio and visual mind and make note of them. I was instructed to visualize a bird so I did. I saw birds from my past. Mainly the birds I see out my back window, but also the bald eagles I’ve seen at Boyne Highlands and Pictured Rocks. Then we were told to let our mind wander and take note of what we visualized. Typically, that’s boobs for me. Sure fire sign I need to change my instagram scroll habits since it’s a lot of boobs. As for my auditory thoughts, some Taylor Swift song was on repeat in my mind. Not dominating it, but as background for other thoughts to shoot off from. Like right now, I just took note of “Release Me” by Wilson Phillips playing in the back of my mind as I type this. Then I flashed on the video of that blond short haired woman singing, oh wait here comes Carnie like the damn Kool-aid lady! I see a rock and some nature, must’ve been the video.

Moving on, the mind is an amazing thing. I look forward to better objectively understanding my thoughts and shepherding them toward growth. Rather than just take note, through the process of recovery and meditation, I hope to condition myself into having a more selfless nature that thinks of making the world a better place. I hope to get to a place in existence where my mind isn’t dominated by what I need, rather what things I can do to make others happy. When I think of my goals today they center around me. Things like “write a memoir, post blog socially, more LinkedIn commentary, more sales outreach, corporate planning.” These are all things to benefit my life. I’m not at a place where I’m thinking about helping others in need. I still have that selfish awareness of what my deeds look like to others and wanting to be seen as good rather than really wanting to be good. 

Today’s reflection says, “We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.” I’m not selfish in that I’m not thinking about drinking anymore, but I’m still dominated by selfish habits and thoughts. I must practice a discipline in letting go of selfish attachments, caring for my fellows and preparing for the day when I will be required to let go of all earthly attachments. It’s something to strive for. Lot’s of work ahead.