Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Two days in a row i’m off on the wrong foot. Yesterday I woke up with a splitting headache after a bad dream where I relapsed. It was some kind of trip with all my friends and I alienated all of them by being a drunken piece of shit. They all told me they never wanted me on the trip because of how I get when I’m drunk and that I ruin everything. 

Last night I dreamt that my wife wanted out of our relationship. I don’t remember much but she had met some other dude in the backyard and had some contest with her friend to see what I’d say or if I’d lie. It was a situation where I was powerless to make her feel anything for me anymore. She’d hit the point where she looked through me blankly. I’d gotten super fucked up on some trip with a bunch of people that were giving me another shot. I’d lost something important and couldn’t find it. This girl from AA was my roomate, but she secretly dealt drugs out of the basement. 

My insecurity is seeping into my dreams. I’m nervous about wife going on this fun solo trip to Park City next week. I was insecure when she was out bar hopping last night with her friend. I hate not knowing where she is. I finally texted her around 10:30. She used my text as a way to notify me how I fucked up. Instead of just asking when she’d be home I asked if she was coming home. To which she asked me how I thought a question like that was going to land. Obviously not well. 

Five hours and 26 minutes sleep last night. I don’t feel good. I feel like I’m fighting a virus. I feel like I’m fighting my wife. The best part of last night was rubbing her back until she fell asleep. She came home wanting a fight because of the alcohol in her system. I didn’t want to engage. I got her mind away from my text and we moved on. She had a chat with her good friend about all that she’s going through because of my addiction, how hard it is for her. I wanted to ask why it’s so hard to have a husband getting so much better. I just agreed that it was a tough transitional time. I’m getting sad yet i want to be off my antidepressant. I want to know the real me. Can I become this fully formed human that does everything right or at least progresses every day? I doubt it. I don’t like it when she’s out late drinking. It ruins my self-esteem. No matter how many meditations I do, it’s lurking. Slow baby slow, don’t go. She’s not coming to my AA holiday party with me on saturday. I need to exercise, maybe that would help. I need to conquer this insecurity that is still so pervasive in me. Ugh.