Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Me and the boys watched Spirited with Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds in bed tonight. H wasn’t into it so he tried to use the movie’s swear words as an argument for why we shouldn’t be watching it. He is one smart mofo. 

Let’s take it from the morning, speed write style with eyes closed. 

I woke up at 6:10, got my clothes and got to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth, deodorize, and shave my stashe. I was out the door at 6:30 on my way to AA. I was meeting a newbie in the program with 14 days of sobriety. He reminds me of me from a month and a half ago. Got to the meeting at five to 7, sat at the round table in the middle of the other two round tables. Meeting was started and everyone shared. My argument and breakthrough with my wife the other night was timely because my new friend is mad at his wife for not being as supportive as his family and friends. I used to feel the same way. I wanted wife on my journey with me, but that ain’t a ride she wanted to take because it has historically fallen short of its destination. I’m all empty promises and bluster for countless years. Why would me getting sober for a couple months make her think I’ve become a new man. In her mind I’ve become a new man for the time being. It’s a passing fancy and as soon as it gets tough I will flake out and make up an excuse for why it wasn’t me. Not this time don’t you see. I’m ready to be good again. I feel like I did back when I used to chase Lindsay around to the library and coffee shop in college. The future felt wide open. Now I don’t have any expectations. I’m taking brief sojourns into my mind then departing. All my fellows in AA say to get out of your mind, get to work and keep my side of the street clean. So I will, because I do want what they’ve got. The Huberman podcast says that the happiest people are busy people. Someone knew what they were talking about when they coined that phrase about idle hands being the devils work. Sure beautiful art can come from the depths of a desperate soul. I’m not an artist and I don’t want to be sad and desperate. I’m little smiley boy motherfucker and I love the shit out of some life! I left the meeting feeling happy per usual. I told my new friend to recognize that his wife has been through some serious shit lately. All those hidden liquor bottles and drunk driving tend to take a toll. Focus on getting your shit together first then she’ll come around once she sees the change is for real. Mine still thinks I’m full of shit and that’s okay. I can’t control anything but my next action. Fuck the thoughts fuck the self-pity, stop self-aggrandizing and pining for attention. You are enough, you are kind, hilarious, and I’d totally do you. In fact, I do every other day. Ignore the negative nancy that sleeps next to you. Give it time. Keep doing the good things you’re doing and maybe next spring we’ll be reborn. Who knows, can’t think about that today. 

Speaking of today. I went to the dealership to get a key fob battery after the meeting. Turns out that’s just a watch battery that I had at home. Went to Kroger, got some healthy food and a shit ton of cookies. Got home just in time for the J man to talk to his therapist. There’s a spectrum test coming his way to see what level of Asperger’s he has. Everyone is on that spectrum somewhere and I’m happy to get him the help he needs. He’s smart as hell but severely lacking in the social department. H is super social but slightly below average on reading. 

I was supposed to take H to his basketball game at 11:30 but he was lethargic and hot. He had a fever and it wasn’t for more cowbell. I got my assistant coach to fill in and took a nap. Wife let me sleep for a bit until she determined it was time for the relaxation to end. I was supposed to have gotten H lunch but he wasn’t hungry before I fell asleep. She made him some plain noodles, atta girl! I popped an Adderall and ate some leftover cauliflower pizza. Doc got me back on the Adderall because I was not doing well at work. Now I”m back on track. I had mentioned I’d be completing the outdoor xmas lights today and I still meant it. It was 1:30, I could still do it. Oh and I did baby. Best job I’ve ever done in my history of light draping. I refrained from half-assing it and I feel great about it. Doing a job well feels good. I want to keep doing things as well as I can. It won’t be perfect, just dive in and try. Easier to do when you’re out of your head and getting to stepping. 

After the lights I came in and got the boys dinner. Two slices of bread for H, grilled cheese and apple for J, and a prosciutto, apple, grilled cheese for me. Mom looked hot in a strapless black pantsuit as she stepped out to a Christmas party I attended with her last year. I’m not missing it. I hope she’s having a good time. I’m curious if she’ll drive home or take an uber. She mentioned she’d be home early. It’s after 11 young lady, tick tock! JK, I’m going to read this memoir about this guy’s life with Aspergers. Really well-written and a great look into the mind of someone that thinks different from me. Maybe James is kind of like that. It’s called “Look me in the Eye” by John Elder Robison. Tootles and love to all.