Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Power today. Chugga chugga choo choo. It’s hump day and I’m thinking afternoon delight with my wife. Been too long since our naked bodies intertwined. I used to be so scared of physical touch. I still am to an extent but I’ve come a long way. One of the reasons I drank when I was single was because I thought that was the only way I could ever hook up with a girl. I could handle doing a date sober. However, the end of a date in which I look the girl in the eyes and tell her I’d like to give her a kiss sent me into a panic. I had three and a half years sober from years 20-23. I had sex with a few girls. They were the initiators. That doesn’t make me woke to the me too movement at an early age, nope, just a pussy. These girls liked me so I went along. I didn’t have the confidence to go for what or who I wanted. Once I came at a girl I liked with that nervous guy weak shit they sent me straight to the friend zone. I don’t regret this, but I realize that’s a big element of why I returned to the bottle. I thought if I was drinking at college I’d be able to get laid more. I thought if I was drinking when I moved to Chicago after my first divorce that I’d get laid more. In neither case did I pursue what I really wanted which would’ve been love with a girl that sent my internal rockets blasting. No regrets. When I married R I felt like I loved her but we didn’t have a courtship, we banged drunkenly on the first night after she’d already had two random cocks in her that same evening. We were both broken. Maybe we could’ve fixed ourselves together but that wasn’t meant to be. When I got together with current wife she was the one primarily pursuing me and it was always in a state of drunkenness. We would occasionally hang out sober but not much. There are things I like but do I love her? Did I ever truly fall in love with her? I don’t think I did. So here I am now at 44, doing the hard work on myself. Learning how to love me some me. I’ve never been happier. Should I be greedy and go after a real love now that I’m not afraid of it? I haven’t met anyone but what if I did. I’m being nice to myself for the first time, I’m changing my habits, helping others, doing good things, being reliable, getting to my best self slowly by slowly. Would I act on something with a new person? Fuck that’s a lot to think about. Let’s stick to the here and now. It’s Wednesday, I’m grateful to be sober and happy. We’re all capable of change, there is still hope for a future with wife if she grows. She’s capable and I’m just starting. Slow down and do the next right thing, even if it’s a hard thing.