Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Hi I’m Matt and I’m alive which is pretty badass. I’m just a speck in this big ass universe that’s sharing some air space with you sexy motherfuckers tonight. Might as well enjoy it. I’m married with two boys ages 7 and 9. On the whole I like being a dad but they definitely make me question that gratitude for life I just mentioned on the regular. Like bedtime for instance. Bedtime comes and goes but they don’t ever do what they’re told. What the fuck?!?! All they have to do is brush their teeth. We’ve given up on jammies. Just brush your teeth and brush every part of every tooth. I don’t know how to get them to do this. Every night I ask them repeatedly at escalating vocal levels to brush their teeth. And they never do. It’s like i don’t exist. Finally twenty minutes after my first request they’ll do it, but only because I have to scare the shit out of them with a demonic loss of my temper. “Boys!!’ Brush your teeth now!!! Look at me! Do you think I’m joking?? Do you want to cry? Because I’ll make you cry! Every part of every tooth! Do it!
That’s usually when my wife has to tag me out. Then she’s like, “boys brush your teeth or you’re losing screens tomorrow. One, two, 2.5.” Then they do the tooth brushing and I’m like damn, forgot about the screens and the counting. My dumbass just thinks they’re going to do shit because I’m their dad and i said so. Not the case.