Breathing my Mind into Your Face

The best days are when I wake up with gratitude for being alive. When I’m not trying to identify a silver bullet to perfect my day and my life. When I don’t judge every action or inaction I take. So often I think I could’ve done something else to have a better day. Stop searching for the perfect day. 

Being grateful for another day is too easy. Fuck yes I’m lucky to exist as a human being on this earth. We’re at the top of the food chain. Our advanced brains have helped ensure we can dominate any other life form on this planet. Not only that, I’m American, which means my standard of living is higher than people in a lot of other countries. And I’m an educated white male living in suburbia. Gratitude is easy. Now that I’ve got gratitude out of the way, here I sit with a Sunday that I can take in a lot of different directions. I’ve got a basketball game at noon, beyond that, complete freedom. The three things that I want out of myself every day are:

• Honesty
• Fearlessness
• Helpfulness

The best part of sobriety has been the honesty I’ve been able to achieve with myself and others. Not telling my wife I had two weed gummies when I had three. Not taking a few random alcoholic beverages from the back of the fridge, drinking them, then putting them at the bottom of the recycle bin so no one will know they’re gone. I only had three beers honey. I love not having to do that shit anymore. However, my mind still thinks that way. Now it’s specific to caffeine and adderall intake. I’m on my second coffee. Is that really necessary? I woke up with a lot of energy, so what the fuck does the caffeine do for me? I plan to take an adderall at 9:30 and another at 11:30 so I’m at peak performance for the noon basketball game. If I were in the NBA I’d fail the drug test. I’m lying because if someone at the game asks me how I have all this energy at the age of 45 I’m not going to say, “It’s simple Bill, I give myself a healthy dose of amphetamines prior to every game.” Instead I’ll say, “I’m a spaz from way back. I wake up ready to run into a wall man. And I’m going to ride it until this impending heart attack at the age of 50.” 

If I could stop looking for an edge on life that would be a step in the right direction. Lot’s of fear, dishonesty and unhelpfulness going on here. Keep working.