Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage lately. Last week wasn’t a good one. Booze was the cause. I’ve been alcohol sober for 162 days. I did smoke weed once in that time and I still take Adderall so please feel free to condemn me for my hypocrisy. Last Tuesday she went to the Kelsee Ballerini concert with my college roommates’ wife and her good friend. It was last minute as I was supposed to go but didn’t have to because we lost power and didn’t want to make a babysitter endure a cold night with nothing to do. They had a great time and all was well until they got home and continued the party when I was trying to get sleep. She got mad at me for not getting out of bed to come down and hang with them at 11:30. Then they stayed up until 3 playing tunes getting wasted. They mistakenly played the tunes on all the alexa’s which kept me awake. The next morning at 7:30 I quietly expressed my dissatisfaction with her behavior and she blew a fuse on me in front of the kids. Berating me and swearing, saying some shit about me telling her she deserved a fun night since I’d been out of town for four nights while she was on solo parenting duty with no power for two of those days. True I did say that but I thought that meant have a great dinner, enjoy the fuck out of those country songs, then come to bed when you get home and go on about your Wednesday workday when you wake up. Not pound wine and sing songs till 3am. She thinks I’m a snooze since I don’t drink anymore, but I love not drinking anymore. I’m getting into all sorts of other cool shit I never considered back when my days revolved around ingesting life shortening poison. I’ve been considering rallying the HOA to install a chicken coup so we can all have farm fresh eggs. How cool is that shit?!?!

There was tension for the remainder of the week due to the Wednesday morning blow up and her pre-menstrual cycle. On Saturday we went to a charity casino night for the educational foundation I’m on the board of. I wore a blue suit with a spring flowered tie and she wore a black pantsuit with a black leather jacket. We looked fly as hell. The Orange Theory is starting to pay off. Did I mention I did a three minute ice bath the other day? I could’ve done longer but I started to feel a weird tingle in my mushroom cap so decided my time was up. Anyway, we were moving and shaking at the event. Sometimes together sometimes not. At the end of the night I helped put tables and chairs back in order and she hung at the bar with some rival Burn Boot Campers. After I was done with cleanup I wanted to go home because it was after midnight, we were losing an hour due to daylight savings, and I knew the babysitter had to drive an hour home. She preferred to stay and enjoy another glass of wine as she slurred. I was pissy because she’d made some attempt at husband/wife playful banter that came off unkind. Something about my hometown being low rent and me shitting a lot. When we got home she fixed herself a snack and I made sure she didn’t set anything on fire. As we got into bed she was doing that hiccup thing that can sometimes lead to hurl so I laid a towel on the bed and put a bucket beside it. I got up after four hours of sleep to help deliver a bunch of tables from the party to the high school. I brought home donuts and coffee and had taken our youngest with me so he didn’t disturb the lady of the house. Are you picking up what I’m laying down here? How I’m a goddamn superstar and she’s all drunk and shit. I know I’m painting a narrative but I do feel the behavior lately is unfriendly to my recovery. I convinced her to see a therapist starting tomorrow. I’m seeing one starting Monday. Been a bit rocky but we will persevere.