Breathing my Mind into Your Face

My addiction stems from a lack of confidence. Once drunk I could attempt to dance with and make out with women. Without the alcohol I would wait for a woman to express interest in me then convince myself she could be the one. After a month I’d get harder to convince and would break up with her. Usually we would have had sex during this period and I would have underperformed. At least that’s what I’d tell myself. I think the voting public would also agree that I’d underperformed because a thirty second duration is below world average.

This booze induced confidence led to the eradication of the moral guidelines I’d grown up with. When I arrived at college I believed I should be in love with the first person I had sex with. Instead the first vagina I stuck my dick in was owned by a hooker from Windsor, CA, rented by me. It was funded by my friends, and I only got a couple pumps in prior to softening from booze, shame, and an extra thick condom. I walked the streets of Windsor for an hour afterwards berating myself through tears.

I never pressured women into doing sexual stuff no matter how drunk I was. My guilt stemmed from getting busy with people I didn’t like or find attractive. This continued into my later drinking years. Usually manifesting in my interactions with strippers and hookers. Regardless of my relationship status, I’ve slept with others. Even sitting here sober I fantasize about affairs. Never initiated by me but welcomed if started by someone else. I’ve got to keep those thoughts in fantasy mode. Maybe I should write some Penthouse forum letters to get them out of my mind. Maybe I should push for more adventurousness with my wife. Being naked more together would be a good start.

I only have vague recollections of banging these hookers because I’ve been drunk. I also had sex with an old hook up when I was engaged. These are things I’d never initiate if sober, however, would I resist saying “okay” if approached by someone requesting my dick? I’m going to resist the temptation to dig into the differences between the nature of men and women. Historically this is where I’d question the setup of our Christianity rooted moral standards and yearn for a return to Caligula culture. Don’t do that. I behaved badly, it’s a mark on my moral integrity. Not drinking will make me more proud of my actions in the future.