Breathing my Mind into Your Face

 I have a seven and nine year old boy. I’m worried that my behavior during my drinking years fucked them up. I tried not to show myself to them when drunk. However, I can think of a couple times I lost my temper and quite a few times when I just laid on the couch like a slug instead of interacting with them. My worst behavior was drunk driving with them in the car. How dare I put their lives in jeopardy? I remember going to pick up my oldest at the fancy catholic school and stopping in for two martini’s at a steakhouse before. I’m sure I’d had a couple at home before departing as well. No plan to stop, just the pull of a mental force I couldn’t fight that pictured a martini with blue cheese stuffed olives. Nothing else mattered. I remember there being another, softer voice in my head pleading with me not to stop, but that voice was muted by the booze bully. The voice in my head that knew better was defeated like me in high school after having my tie yanked and my books knocked out for the fourth time in a day. No fight, no flight, just disassociation. My consience was at some secret CIA hideout in my brain trying to avoid the drunk robot I’d become.

Nothing happened on the drive home with my toddler in the backseat. I also picked up my kids after school just prior to going to rehab last fall and nothing happened. I was chock full of vodka, we went to a Taco Bell drive thru and jammed to some tunes. They had to have known I was messed up. I’m sure they had the same nervousness I feel when I’m around a drunk person. Walking on eggshells because they’re so unpredictable. One minute I could be screaming Weezer at the top of my lungs and the next I could berate them for not joining in. I must’ve made them nervous. In my mind I thought I was fine, having a great night with my boys, eating some Taco Bell and watching a Disney movie. What was their mind saying? What will the long-term impact be of having to deal with a fucked up dad? Prior to starting to drink again in the fall of 2021 I had three years of not drinking. However, I was getting stoned on the regular during that time. My oldest noticed when I was stoned. I don’t know if it did damage to him, but he wondered what the hell happened to Dad and why there was now a space cadet staring at the map on his wall asking him to imagine life in Rome during the time of Caesar. I was inconsistent and couldn’t be trusted. I’m only six months into sobriety so I’ve got a lot of work to do before they can count on me to do what I say and act a certain way. I’m still doing occasional edibles. I’m not mad at that but what the fuck goes on in the mind of a seven and nine year old? How are they doing? I’m sorry boys. I made you this way.

Was my luck courtesy of a higher power? Plenty of people have killed their kids in drunk driving accidents. I’m just a passenger. Pray for guidance, pray for the best. It’s all beyond my power. I don’t know if there is some God entity, but I know that I’m part of something much bigger than myself. Help others, get help when needed. Have gratitude that the worst didn’t happen. Life is lived today, do your best.