Breathing my Mind into Your Face

It’s 2:54 AM and I’m not sleeping. Undoubtedly because of the double dose of Adderall today. I took 40 mg instead of my prescribed 20 mg for no great reason. I thought maybe it’d make me rock that much harder. I did rock pretty hard but already consider tomorrow a loss. Tough shit fast Freddy, I ain’t no steady Eddy. 

I woke up at seven, got the kids ready for camp and was off to OrangeTheory at 8:15. Listened to Jay Shetty interview Joe Biden on the way there and back. I think my eyes leaked a little when he was talking about resilience in the face of loss after his first wife and daughter were killed in a car accident and his son Beau died at 46 from brain cancer. I was crying because I get to be here still. Fear is unnecessary at this point. Worry is a waste. I ignored my desire to get off the treadmill before time was up. It hurt, my chest felt tight, my breath uneven, but I pushed it up to 10 with an incline of 3 for that last 30 second all out. I rode the endorphin high next door for my second ever pedicure. I enjoyed the feet treat and chair massage and tried not to worry about better uses of my time and my wife’s envy over my easy existence. It was after all a Tuesday that I hadn’t taken vacation time for.

When I got home I picked up the kitchen, folded a load of laundry, threw one in the washer, showered and was ready to hit the office around noon. Told my wife I didn’t have time to go on a walk with her as I needed to pump out a solid hour of work before picking the boys up at camp. Came home and worked until 5:30, then ate some shawarma tacos, did the dishes and prepped for a nature adventure. The boys and I found the familiar opening in the state park fence and swashbuckled our way through the brush to the stream. There I gave them some hatchet lessons before we laid a felled dead log across the stream so we could cross over and find a trail to the playground. The sanctioned trail still hadn’t appeared after an hour and the boys were getting cranky because of the burr and thorn damage to their legs. We paused for a Cheetoh and water break and looked at my phone to see where we were on the map. Looked like we were close to these two gigantour mansions so we headed that way. We successfully scaled a pretty big ass fence into the rich people’s property. We stayed on the edge of their lawn as we made our way to the main road and took that back to our neighborhood. I think the boys appreciated the struggle. Gotta have it if you want to be anything in life. Can’t have easy all the time. Although many would say putting in four hours of work for a pretty good amount of money is pretty damn easy. And they wouldn’t be wrong.