Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I’m sitting here before a 7am AA meeting. My first since last Thursday. I skipped going to a meeting on my 1 year soberversery. Primarily because I got high the night before and felt like a fraud. I still managed the last year without alcohol and that’s been fantastic. Giving up alcohol forever for the fourth time will be the last time. I’m not giving up weed entirely but I want to make it a rarity. I got high on Tuesday night and it was not fun. I felt the need to depart my reality because I was feeling stressed about this job I want that I’m waiting to hear back about. So I munched 35 mg worth of gummies, got a shit ton of unhealthy snacks, and watched a naked person dating show from England called “Naked Attraction”. I successfully left reality behind but I didn’t enjoy stuffing myself with shit. The genitalia was cool, but I didn’t enjoy the extra three pounds the next morning nor the headache. However, the need to escape will never leave me. I can’t grind on routine day in and day out and enjoy life at the same time. Having a job I don’t like is a problem. 

I read this quote the other day that hit me hard:”When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential.” It’s a quote by Bianca Sparacino. She has a book: (

I like to think that having a big following online, publishing a book, and performing comedy would mean that I’m achieving what I innately desire. Every day I don’t pursue that wholeheartedly is a disappointment. I don’t know that I will ever pursue it. I will likely die not having done what’s in my heart. Even if I die reaching the C-suite of my current industry, with a few million in the bank, loved ones galore, great shape, big tv, well-traveled, happy family, and a bench named after me because of my service to the community. Even then I’ll still feel mad at myself for not having pursued what’s been in my heart my whole life. I have to overcome fear of what other people think and fear of financial insecurity. My twenty year old self would look at my 45 year old self and say that nothing should hold me back because I’ve got plenty of money to give it a go. My 45 year old self says that I can’t put that security at risk because I’ve got a family that likes fancy snacks.
I’ll keep the faith. I’ll chip away at my habit structure little by little until I’m doing the things I want to do. Be selfish.