Breathing my Mind into Your Face

Woke up two hours ago with a rumbly in me tumbly. I exhumed my bowels then scrolled Instagram for boobs and life hacks before departing the mattress just after six. Now it’s 6:38. The coffee is made, the kid’s snacks are taken care of, I’ve had my morning vitamin supplements via Zipfizz, and now I shall commence exhuming my mind so I can start the day with a blank canvas, ready to crush it. Ready for success. Right after I continue clearing the contents of my intestinal tract. BRB.

Okey dokey, back at the computer screen to spew my mind. Instagram is always reminding me what a shitty existence I lead: 

“Hey fuckhead, why do you keep going to a job you despise day in and day out? You like working to make some other asshole rich? Did you know you could be independently wealthy if you just follow these steps? Here’s a guide on how to purchase passive cash flow businesses so you can sit back and watch the checks roll in.” 

“Fuck that guide, here’s a guide on how to identify your true purpose in life and attack it. The internet offers a wealth of opportunity unparalleled in human history. Are you going to sit on the sidelines and absorb it or are you going to get in the game and play asshole!?!? Focus on three specialties, take classes to become expert level, then build your brand. Before long you’ll be doing what you love and watching the checks roll in.” 

“Those guys are full of shit. Embrace your existence and be happy within it. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, and many more life hacks to help you lead a fulfilling life. It’s just $5 a month and you’ll join my club of like minded individuals pursuing excellence.”

“Hey dilf, do you like my big perky twenty year old titties? Guess what, I love dad bods and small dicks. Want to see more than just my nipples through this white shirt? Subscribe to my OnlyFans and we can really have some fun.”

“Sick of spending hours on Excel spreadsheets? Download this tool now and AI will do it for you.” 

“Having trouble putting your thoughts into coherent sentences? Our new mind reading AI will mine the archives of your memory, extrapolate the greatest ideas you’ve ever had and turn them into business plans. Then we’ll send them to angel investors to give you money and operationalize the idea. All you need to do is sit back and watch the checks roll in.”