Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I’m pretty sure I’m unhappy. But I also want to stop taking Lexipro. I want to strip away the substances and get down to my core equilibrium. Then I can find out how I’m really doing. My moments of happiness have become few and far between. A time of happiness is something I define by having a smile on my face and a carefree disposition. A feeling of enjoying the moment without thinking of what’s next. I get that feeling when i’m reading to my seven year old before bed, if I’ve had a 20mg edible. If not I’m just trying to get it done. When he’s reading to me I get mad in my mind that he can’t figure out words that seem easy and I want to say “t-t-t-today junior!” like Billy Madison. 

Putting my nine year old to bed just means reading next to him. Once in a while he’ll want to talk, but typically it’s me trying to engage him in conversation and him ignoring me because he’s so engrossed in his book. He read the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid book yesterday in a few hours. His light was on when I got up at 5:20 this morning and he was rereading the previous Wimpy Kid book. He’ll be miserable later but like me, he’s not thinking about that. Right now this is what he has to do. It’s an element of our shared affliction. 

I got into bed with my wife around 9 o’clock last night. She was surprised I wasn’t watching the NLCS game 7 baseball game between Philly and Arizona. I just wanted to read and get to bed early while not doing any weed. She used to always roll over and give me a kiss before she shut her eyes. Last night I had to ask her (I had an ice pack on my knee which made it tough for me to roll to her). She gave me a quick peck on the lips and turned back over. I get the feeling she’s annoyed having me in the bed with her. When I reposition myself, go to the bathroom, or exhale loud vibration from my ass, she groans or says gross. Sometimes we have fun. Last Friday we had dinner with my AA sponsor and his wife and that was a good time because they are from NYC and they talk more openly about life than the typical suburbanite parent we’re usually hanging with. She worries less about me acting weird with them because they appreciate the weirdness. With the usual gang she just wants me to be normal. Don’t say anything awkward or controversial, don’t bite your nails, look like you’re confident. 

At work I reach out to prospective clients on LinkedIn and 95% of my outreach is ignored. I don’t believe in what I’m selling. The executive team has no concept of integrity and the importance of building trust. They just want to hit their financial target for the month. They want me to only focus on getting new clients and not worry about how to make our products better. So I sell a product that isn’t what we end up delivering and it hurts my reputation. I get associated with this company the broader automotive marketing community doesn’t trust or take seriously.  Luckily, I rarely make a sale. Potential clients think we’re money grubbing weasels living in the past. Every inquiry from an existing partner involves an eloquently prepared line of bullshit in response so we can avoid speaking to what we really do.

I wonder how I’d be if I stopped taking Adderall and Lexipro and instead took a daily microdose of psilocybin. I know I shouldn’t need to have a substance in me. I should believe in the awesomeness of my natural state. I’m going to try to live in the moment and be thankful that I have it. I’m better off that way. Otherwise I’m picturing a divorce and a solo lifestyle which wouldn’t make me happy. Even if I was banging a different hot 30 year old each night I’d find a way to be mad at myself.