Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I’m feeling antsy tonight. Like I need to write. I have only taken one 40mg cannabis gummy and one 15mg Adderall in the last three days. My plan was to take action this week to reduce my Adderall and Cannabis intake. Whatever virus I caught from my son helped me put this plan I’ve had for the last four weeks into action. Now the virus isn’t pushing me back down to bed and I’m feeling over energized like I used to without the substances. Makes me wonder if the constant sleep of the last two days is virus or withdrawal caused. Probably both.

Now the family is in bed and I’m alone, energized, and trying to resist the innate pull of my vape pen. I want to get to an Adderall free and cannabis lite future in which I microdose psilocybin capsules. Naturally still reliant on something to get me to the person I want to be like, but should be a step in the right direction. The words always come out right when shrooms are routing their way through me. I always feel like right now is a good place to be. Like right now can be the best time of our lives. 

I talk to my therapist each week about this void I have from not pursuing what I want out of life. This feeling of settling for security and boredom. We deal with a lot of the trauma from my childhood I’ve never dealt with. My Dad’s memory suffers as a result. I try to protect him even though he’s gone. I don’t like blaming others for the way I am. I want to get to a place where I feel like he did the best he could and I am who I am and I’m okay with it. I always said I didn’t want to be a dad like him that lost his temper and lived in his own world, seemingly apart from the family unit. But that’s what I do. And I’m realizing I picked a wife that criticizes me a lot and doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. Shit yeah that’s familiar. Could I really blow that all up though? Could I have another life?