Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I got home from spring break Monday at 8:30pm. After Taco Bell, I sorted the mail, setting aside my psilocybin microdoses for the month and my Stasis day/night pills that supposedly normalize me via natural ingredients in the face of my daily Adderall intake. Then I setup my pill popper organizer kit for the week that also includes Lexapro, Lipitor, and fish oil. Hot wife unpacked while I reset the clocks and hunted down the beeping smoke alarm to swap in a new battery. After kissing the kids on the forehead and telling them I loved them, I got into the king size to finish a book called “Commonwealth” by Ann Patchett I’d started earlier in the day. Then I realized I’d left the book on the plane and instead started reading “Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas” by James Patterson, which I’d ordered from Florida after reading his autobiography. I was proud of myself for not dropping to the basement at bed time for some cannabis intake. This made eight straight nights cannabis free, which is a two year record.

I woke up on Tuesday prior to the rest of the crew. My plan was to prep for an interview at 9 since I didn’t stick to my original plan of prepping the night before. I ended up reviewing my old Amazon interview study guide that highlighted all my accomplishments in the recommended STARR format (Situation, Task, Action, Results, Reflection) and doing a background check on the dude that would be my boss. Ooh nice, he’s originally from the Boston area, a die hard Red Sox fan, and he went to MSU; what a coincidence! I’ll figure a way to get that inserted into the retelling of my rise to mediocrity in the professional world. 

After telling the boys to have fun and be nice to people on their way to the bus stop, I hopped in the shower. I had hoped to hit the treadmill before the interview but since I didn’t do any prep on Monday night I had to forego it, which sucks because now the Adderall and caffeine was making me antsy as a mofo. I’d just have to do my best to restrain my inner pinball machine and keep my restless legs from making it look like my whole body was convulsing during my half-hour chat with my fellow Sox fan. 

Convo with potential boss went okay aside from me having to restrain myself from interrupting him every 10 seconds due to the drugs and my inborn energy quotient. I should know by the end of the week if I make it to the three or four finalists they’ll put through to the extended interview gauntlet. After that, I maxed out on productivity for the people that currently pay me. Then when the boys got home from school I went for a walk around the neighborhood while H spent a solid ten minutes with his RC car birthday present prior to smashing it into a wall of bricks. After a dinner of Costco pre-made chicken stuffed with broccoli and rice I took H to ninja class. I harangued H for wearing the slide on Target sneakers with no grip instead of his lace-up Nike’s. Me: “You’re either wearing those shoes because you’re too lazy to tie your Nike’s or you don’t care about your performance at Ninja’s, both of those reasons stink.” Take that nine year old. I brought J’s new boy scout uniform so I could take him from Ninja’s to his first meeting after transitioning from cub to boy. I ran out to pick up a pair of ballsack protectors in advance of tonight’s baseball tryouts while the boy scouts planned out their adventures. After getting home at 9, kissing a sleeping H on the forehead and helping J to bed, I had to decide if I’d finish “Commonwealth”, journal, or go to the basement to inhale cannabis and watch tv. My hot wife had hit the library for me so I could finish the book and she was already snuggled in bed reading when J and I got back. I kissed her goodnight and told her I had work to do downstairs. After confirming their would be no hair follicle test for cannabis at my prospective employer, I retired to the dungeon.