Breathing my Mind into Your Face

My weekend was spent with lots of 3rd and 5th grade boys attending my kid’s birthday parties. Saturday afternoon was spent at Urban Air trampoline park. I was feeling pretty calm until we walked into a world of bouncing chaos. My wife and I monitored with the other parents and, in a sign of maturity, I refrained from putting a pair of their required, overpriced gripper socks on so I could get in the bounce mix with the kids. I decided it wouldn’t be worth the broken limb. We went back to the house for pizza and ice cream cake after the bouncing. Aside from the time I told the kids that we weren’t having a contest for most annoying party attendee, I was able to keep my frustration internal. 

I’d gained approval to watch the Final Four games at a friend’s pole barn where we would also enjoy his golf simulator. However, when the time came to depart I didn’t feel up for more socializing. So I told my friend’s I wasn’t coming and they told me I sucked. I watched both games from the comfort of my dungeon while occasionally integrating some weed vapor into my lungs.

On Sunday we had my fifth grader’s party. We were going to see the Minecraft movie then come home for more pizza and cake. Sitting in a comfy chair looking at a movie screen was way more preferable to watching kids bounce. On top of that, the movie was great. 

Both of my kids do this thing where they talk in weird voices when they’re chatting with their friends. It’s an unfortunate insecurity side-effect I passed down. Always looking for a laugh, unfortunately, the audience doesn’t think you’re that funny because of the lack of confidence with your delivery. As a result, you get the weird without the funny. Gotta have the funny. I tell them to talk normal, but that shit took me years to figure out. Now how to I get them to project rizz in the face of a total lack of confidence? I need them to put that confidence cloak on enough for it to feel like they’ve been rocking cloaks their whole life. Should I publicly embarrass them whenever possible so they’re used to it? Maybe I should fill them with non-stop affirmation to quiet the asshole in their head. Take screen time away every time I hear them talk like a weirdo? I’ll just keep modeling what a stud looks like so they can take notes from Dad.