Breathing my Mind into Your Face

I’m sitting down at the desk in my home office and I’m nervous. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to make the calls or deal with my boss. I want to journal before the drudgery begins to unburden myself from the little things that keep popping up in my mind to keep me from dedicated focus. I sat down to start ten minutes ago but noticed the recycling bin was tipped over and boxes were blowing across the yard. I considered meditating earlier but decided to take the boys to the bus stop to soak in external sunshine and ask that the boys have fun and be nice to people. I’ve got to grab my protein bar to have at my desk, make sure my water is full and my poop gone from my bum. Shit, better make another pot of coffee.

All is quiet now. Let’s clear the mental hurdles and zero in on doing things to be great. Let’s get to the big projects you’ve been talking about doing for years. Wait a minute, better respond to that email. Better make sure everyone else is doing their job right. I sent a LinkedIn message to the marketing leader of the automaker I interviewed with telling him I knew more about the leads business than anyone and he needed me on his team to create a class leading solution. I sent it despite the words not being perfect. I didn’t get the job I’d interviewed for and I wanted to ensure the guy that knew nothing about the position and had nothing to do with the hiring process knew what he was missing. I knew I could’ve written something much more convincing of my talents and his need to utilize them. But I wanted to send something, otherwise I’d tell myself I’d come back to it for revision, then when I came back to it I’d convince myself sending it was a pointless waste of time. So it’s been sent, get ready to be ignored. I’ll fail enough during the course of the day to want the day out of my mind. I’ll get it out of my mind with weed. 

I’m coaching baseball practice later. Try to be present for the kids. Try to have fun. Think about the speech you imagined and forgot to inspire them. Something along the lines of, “Nobody begins as a major leaguer. My goal as coach is to help you love baseball if you don’t already. And if you already love baseball, the next step for me as coach is to help you get better and keep loving baseball. If you like playing, you’ll get better. If you picture yourself playing baseball in high school that can come true if you’re willing to learn and you love it. Just because you didn’t make a team last year doesn’t mean you can’t make it next year. We all get better and learn in different phases of our life. Now let’s get out there and have some fun getting better at baseball.” Christ, that sucked. Those words that were so perfect in my mind last night are gone. I laid in bed with creative thoughts pulsing. Knowing that I could go down to the office and write something worthwhile. But I didn’t do that because my body needs sleep to perform my job well. So I pushed my best self out in favor of fleeting, calming thoughts that would lull me to sleep. I woke up around six, with 5.5 hours of sleep. So performing my job well is likely out and I’m without the output my mind was producing last night. If only I could’ve turned on a Neuralink that would take my thoughts and turn them into some kind of award winning essay. 

Okey dokey artichokey. Lean in and do. Push but plan. Think first. Sometimes I think it’s better for my job that I do nothing. When I do something my boss feels caught off guard. Do something you say you’re going to do. Let’s go! Shit, I’m hungry, and I need to clean those glasses.